Heading for a Better Life

I've dealt with my ghosts, And faced all my demons-Finally content with the past I regret. I found you find strength in your moments of weakness-For once I'm at peace with my self. I've been burdened with blame, Trapped in the past for too long. I'm movin on.
I've lived in this place, and I know all the faces. Each one is different, but they're always the same. They mean me no harm, but it's time that I face it, they'll never allow me to change. But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong. I'm movin on.
I'm moving on, at last I can see, life has been patiently waiting for me. And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone. There comes a time, in everyone’s life, when all you can see are the years passing by, and I have made up my mind that those days are gone.........

Those are the lyrics to probably my favorite song by Rascal Flatts, I had never really listened to the words to that song until a couple months ago and realized how much that fit into what I was going through. The song is so true to me, the part about the time when you realize that your life is passing you by. I’m 28 years old, and not much further along than I was when I was 18, well it’s all changing now, and changing for the better. I am moving on, moving onto a better life. A life that I know I deserve to have.

Today is the 2 month anniversary of me finally beginning to find myself. 2 months with no hard alcohol and only a handful of beers. After 8 years, I’ve finally started to get the alcohol under control. It’s been 10 years of partying, messed up relationships, for me to finally start getting my life together. So many times I had thought I was in control of my life, but I never was. I thought I was because I covered up with drugs, alcohol, whatever I could to numb myself out and not face reality. Guess what? Reality isn’t all too bad, I rather enjoy the fact that I wake up with a clear head and am happy for the right reasons, because I’m happy with myself, not because I’m buzzed. I have never felt so good. I have found a new happiness, a new enjoyment out of life. I realized that it is no one’s fault but my own for me not being happy. I was the only person making the choices I made, and I take responsibility for that. I know now that I am in charge of my own happiness, and I have made the decision that I am going to be happy, no matter what it takes, because it is up to me and me alone.

I appreciate everything and everyone that I have in my life. Because during the last 2 months, I have found out who my real friends are, the ones who are going to be there for me no matter what. It’s funny how you go through life thinking all these people are your friends, but when push comes to shove, they aren’t there for you, and the hard realization is they don’t really give a damn about you. Sounds cruel, sounds harsh, but it’s the truth. Your real friends will be there for you, not looking for an explanation on what you are doing with your life, won’t ask questions, will just look at you, see that you are happy with the decisions you have made and be there for you. I don’t regret any of the friendships I may have lost, but I will definitely be a little more cautious in the future, not open my heart to so many people. But I also realize, a lot of these friends were people I partied with, and well, when you quit all that, you don’t really have a lot in common, these weren’t people that hung out with me unless I was getting messed up. It’s a sad realization, but a true one. Luckily I do have my family and my few close friends who have stuck by me through all of the hard times, been there for me no matter what, and will always continue to be there for me. I thank God everyday now for my family and friends, without them, it would have been hard making it through all of this.

It’s been hard looking at all of that, but I know I am so much stronger now than I have ever been in my life. I made a lot of decisions to change my life, and I am doing it. I am sticking to the choices I have made. It hasn’t been easy, but it has been so worth it. I have never been so happy in my entire life. Just to feel again, whether it’s anger, happiness, scared, anything, and know they are TRUE feelings, not the result of whatever I may have consumed or put into my body, it feels good. I love the feeling of finding out who I am, it is a journey I am just beginning, but it is exciting. To do what I want to do for me, to be who I want to be, for me and me alone. To stop trying to impress everyone around me, and to stop caring what the hell people think of me, because at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, only God and myself. I am the only one who is going to have to live with the choices I make. It’s no one’s life but my own, and for too many years I have lived my life for everyone else and not for me. It’s a great feeling to take control of your life, why it took me this long, I don’t know, but God has a plan for all of that, and now is the time for me to do this. I guess I just had to go through a few more trials in my life before I was ready to make the change. I am a better person because of everything I have gone through. I think that the more trials/experiences you have in life, give you the opportunity to view life in a different way. I am thankful for everything I have gone through, the good times and the bad times, because all of that helped me get to the point I am at in my life. It’s funny how you can look back on everything and realize that one choice you made changed your life. Even if it was a bad decision, if you wouldn’t have done it, you might not be where you are today. I have looked back on so many decisions I made, and no, they weren’t always the best one, but at least I can see that now, and learn from those choices. I think life is a learning experience, you should have to deal with the bad times, or you won’t truly be able to enjoy the good times.

The most important thing that I have realized through all of this, is that I’m not alone, God has been there for me every step of the way. He has seen me struggling through the last 10 years of my life, I was the one who shut him out, thinking that I could handle it all. Well, I’ve realized that we aren’t supposed to handle all of these burdens, or are we expected to. God will be there for us no matter what. Whenever I have faltered the last couple months with my faith, something unexplainable happens. It has been a song on the radio that I’ve really needed to hear, a family member or friend saying reaching out to say hi is there anything I can do to help. I truly appreciate everything I have gone through in the last couple months. I am so happy that I am finally realizing who I am, and what potential I have, and appreciating the life I have been given. Thank you to all of my family and friends that have been there for me through all of this. I love you all so much!!!


P.S. If anyone is interested in any of the songs that have helped me though all of this, here they are: Rascal Flatts – Moving On, Feels Like Today; Ashton Shepherd – Taking off this Pain; Incubus – Warning; JoDee Messina – Bring on the Rain; Sugarland – Settlin; Carrie Underwood – Wasted, Jesus Take the Wheel, So Small; Trik Turner – Friends & Family.
All these songs are so good. I’ve really gotten into listening to a lot more music lately, I don’t think the artists realize how much the lyrics to their songs can really move someone.
Okay, sorry, that was really long, but much needed! Definitely had to get that out!! Hope everyone has a great day=)